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Dirge For My Former Life

by Apricitas

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1.
Intro 04:45
2.
I awake to a world cold and numb. Though light is pouring in, darkness continues to surround me. I still taste death on my tongue. I still see her hand reaching out to me, so inviting. I ask her why she couldn't just take me. She points at the balls of fur cradled up against me at the foot of the bed. She points at the light-soaked tub containing my reptilic pride and joy. She points at the arm tightly wrapped around my cool body, which belongs to the light of my life. She points at me. I feel a warm light surround my face. I am human.
3.
Water blinds my vision, as I try to focus on the ceiling. Blue, like the sky. Blue, like your eyes. I sharply shut my lids and pretend I'm floating far away from the pain I've caused. If I can just retreat to the sky forever and make a home among the clouds, I won't ever have to say goodbye. The void inside me is filling up as the fluid in the tub rises. I am whole.
4.
The ink is bubbling up and forming new letters - red in color. They spell out your name. All the things you couldn't say appear on the page. I'm here for you, though you're already gone. You'll haunt me forever, and I'll keep your words close. Your memory will never be forgotten.
5.
This is the end. My blood turns to ash. I scream out for help, but no one's listening. Will they prefer it when I'm gone? How many times must I cry into swollen ears? How many times must my lungs corrode from the weight of my pain? They nod along, but they aren't listening. They nod along, but they don't care. What will it take to make them see that all my life has become bare? What will it take to make them see that the end is near?
6.
Like the snake, I shed my skin, revealing beneath it the glow of what stayed hidden for all these years. Always part of me, but lurking in shadows, my new life is here. I will not miss my old skin, but I will cradle it to my chest one final time and lament for my childhood where I felt so alone. You are free now, I assure the dry bundle. You will find happiness. I place it down into the earth and cover it with dirt, where my old self will fuse with a blossoming flower and be reborn. I am finally whole. Euphoria is mine. A python slinking among the tall grass, knowing who and what I am.
7.
The cacophony in my mind is clutching onto my dreams, leaving me vulnerable and helpless. Here I fall, through my laughter. Though dawn breaks through my window and illuminates my room, the darkness from the night before still sings her tune. My heart's trembling, scared of me. There is hope outside the door. All I have to do is laugh.
8.
Exulansis 03:36
My bones crack beneath the weight of your words. They penetrate my veins, my blood running cold. Everything I said to you wasn't enough. You're just like all the rest. I give up. What rays once were left have all gone dark. There is only silence here now, and the gentle beating of my heart. My broken heart.
9.
I press your letters to my lips and dream of all you would have said if you hadn't left us. Anger rises to my chest, as I imagine a world where I could still hear your laugh. Loving you is only sorrow, a nightmare I can't wake up from. You haunt my every waking thought. You rise from the grave each night as I lie in bed attempting to sleep to remind me how much I miss a person I never actually met. I'd beg you to stay a thousand times. I'd show you all that could have been. I'd pull you into the light and show you it's worth it to live. I'd show you that you are loved. Every day, I'd fight for you. Every night, I'd die for you. You are the reason for my tears. The reason for my pain. I just want you to come back. That's all I ask.
10.
Lillian Bubbles, you are gone but not forgotten. Though your time on earth is finished, space has awaited your return. Thank you for your service, and all you did for earthlings. You can rest easy now knowing your job here is done. We'll never forget you, always in our hearts. That magic little space cat who saved lives and healed wounds. I know you're looking down from your tiny, floating pad. Your dude will be with you soon, so in the meantime, watch over our loves. You're a good little girl. Best job, BUB.
11.
The cuts on my lips spread open and form a flower with dry, falling petals. Exhausted but unable to sleep, the flower begins to shrivel and encompasses my lungs until I collapse, heart screaming out for the end. To my dismay, I awake to find my bones turning to dust. My ribs fan out like angel wings, white and delicate. From my place against the pavement, the wind feels like a mourning dove singing into my ear. I hear it say, "You are whole.'
12.
A blinding light cast down upon me splits open my mind as my dreams become reality. I float above my body. I dance upon stars. The constraints of my mortal prison are falling apart. The ground's fading out. My legs shrivel down. I'm staring up at the sun as I begin to drown inside my own memories.
13.
Outro 02:09

about

A limited number of tapes and shirts are available from Akashic Envoy Records!
A portion of the proceeds from all physical sales will be donated (shirt sales to the Homeless Black Trans Women Fund and tape sales to the Loveland Therapy Fund).

Love Metal | Hate Fascism

credits

released July 3, 2020

Espi Kvlt - Vocals and Lyrics
Mike Snow - Music and Production

Cover Art: And Bound Him a Thousand Years (1899) by Odilon Redon

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